Throughout my life I have had difficulties. I have battled eating disorders. I battle depression. I came to a determination years ago, that I would not live my life dependent upon some psychoacitive drug. No fucking way. So I manage my problems through lifestyle decisions. And it is not always easy. I still have my peaks and valleys, but if I have something to strive for, something that motivates me, then I feel like I can make it.
I watched my grandmother on my father's side of my family struggle with bi-polar mental illness. The medications did not make her into a stable person. She eventually committed suicide when I was 17. I was the only relative in the state, and I was called to deal with her first failed attempt, and eventually the successful one. I have decided that I will not end up like that.
Before I joined Iron Tribe, I was stuck in a rut in many ways. I was losing my motivation, which was then in turn, having a detrimental effect on my total well-being. So I am grateful to have sometheing new to focus on.
When people first meet me, a lot of the time, I don't leave a favorable impression. It's not that I don't want to, but I come across as standoffish, or stuck up in some way. And I'm not. I am nothing like that. I am insecure, I doubt myself and my abilities, and I have a hard time judging most days what I look like, or what I can do, or how I am coming across to people. But for the people who can get past that stuff, they find that it is hard to find a more understanding, empathetic, or forgiving person than me. I genuinely enjoy seeing other people accomplish things and be successful. It thrills me to no end to see other people discover the best within themselves and to strive for more. But I have a level of perception about other people that is both a blessing and a curse. I can sense what other people think. How they feel about things. Things that are said, done, or just how they feel about people in general.
Today was a bad day.
Martinis from the night before did not agree with my state of mind. All day I felt depressed. I was going to try to run this morning, but I just didn't feel like it. I was just feeling down on myself because I feel like I cannot make the kind of progress I want to make. I am still wary of the handstand, althought my husband spotted me while I kicked up and held it three times, so I feel a LITTLE better about that.
I was in Dick's sporting goods tonight, and had a long conversation about Crossfit with a random guy who worked there. Clearly I need to make some friends who also do this.
